Here are 3 traps to avoid in a relationship according to a sexologist

Sexual attraction can sometimes fade between couples over time. According to Melinda DeSeta, who spoke in the columns of Psychology Today, sex is often not the real problem. According to the psychotherapist and sexologist, the obstacle is often found in the balance of the couple itself. Married life is not always centered on emotional and physical connection. Couples regularly become “masters of their lives”, multiplying projects and having to organize themselves to carry them out. According to the therapist, there are also elements of life as a couple that can create difficulties. There are three of these elements, and could well be less trivial than one would think.

1. They no longer seek to understand their partner.

There’s an adage that relationships take daily work.”, notes Melinda DeSeta. But this one tempers: “This message focuses on overcoming arguments.” However, it is not so much having managed to manage a disagreement that matters, but rather understanding where it comes from. The crux of the problem, according to the therapist, lies in the interest we have in our partner. “The key to the puzzle is understanding who your partner really is: who they are, without compromise. The key is to accept that person and, in doing so, grow with them while growing with you.”, explains the psychotherapist. Therefore, the sexologist recommends that you continue to fully understand your partner while providing him with support so that he feels welcomed as he really is. Moreover, you can nourish this relationship with activities or stays to do together, whether they are organized as a surprise or not. The idea? Invest in your relationship as you do other activities in life. “The best things don't just happen, you have to strive to deserve them” explains the sexologist.

2. They lose sexual attraction.

Time can change your perception of your partner. “It's unrealistic to think that you will always desire your partner sexually. Some days you may find them more attractive than others,” notes the sexologist. The distance that this can cause from the partner is harmful for the couple. Indeed, the other partner may begin to feel that he is no longer attracted to his spouse as before. And this can trigger concerns and questions within him. “Am I not attractive enough? Am I not good enough?”, example list Melinda DeSeta. Besides the fact that the other has changed, it is possible to no longer see yourself as a desiring and desirable being. “Often we lose sexual desire for our partner because we ourselves stop feeling sexual.” The sexologist advises breaking the cycle by trying to rekindle the flame.

Sexuality in the couple: the emotional bond matters

3. Conflict creates emotional distance.

Arguments are natural within a couple. But some arguments can escalate to the breaking point where one person becomes hurtful to the other. Some couples have gotten into the habit of arguing like this, without trying to communicate better and not starting to hurt the other again with each disagreement. And it can break emotional bonds. “Communication problems, resentment and emotional pain cause us to trust our partner less and we inevitably turn away from each other or turn to someone else, physically and emotionally,” analyzes the psychotherapist. The sexologist advises taking a step back from arguments, which are very emotionally tense, in particular by pausing to breathe before expressing yourself.

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