I feel alone in my relationship

Even in a couple relationship after years of living together, it is possible to feel alone, to have the impression to no longer share as much as before with his partner. This emotional distance can cause pain and create incomprehension.

Why do I feel alone and abandoned even though I'm in a relationship?

A relationship is naturally punctuated by ups and downs. In more difficult times, it happens that one of the two partners feels abandoned. This feeling of loneliness is all the more difficult to understand and accept that it occurs when the person is not alone. She theoretically has a partner with whom to communicate on a daily basis, in whom to confide. Several points can contribute to creating this distance.

Dependence links: The feeling of loneliness can be exacerbated when the members of the couple do not have not the same expectations and need to be together. When children were younger, they required more attention, but as they grow older and become more independent, parents can experience feelings of loneliness. And if the husband, for example, has always had a sporting activity outside the home, his wife may find herself more confronted with this void left by the children who need it less.

A lack of communication: According to Florentine d'Aulnois Wang*, psychotherapist, speaker and author of “The Keys to Love Intelligence” published by Larousse, after a phase of a series of conflicts or, on the contrary, non-conflicts, it happens that we feels invisible, not heard or understood by his partner. “ This attitude is adopted to preserve the relationship and avoid new conflicts, unpleasant reactions… It feeds resentment in everyone and we end up feeling alone together », Notes the expert.

A lack of attention : Avoidance can result in lack of communication but also in the absence of signs of affection, tenderness, love. The other can then feel unloved.

Different projects: the husband or wife is not interested in the same things, does not have the same desires, needs, life goals and does not show interest in their partner's projects. Everyone takes different paths.

All these points can create distance within the couple and contribute to feeling alone.

Why am I sad in my relationship?

At the start of a romantic relationship, each person thinks they have found in the other the person who understands them better than anyone else. With daily management, differences of views and tensions arise. There is no longer this fusion, this mutual understanding. Conflicts and things left unsaid undermine this complicity. Despite being together, there is the feeling of being alone. This pain is all the more painful because it refers to previous injuries. “ It comes down to attachment. The relationship awakens our inner wounds, that of early bonds with our parents which may have been affected. We make each other look awful and that's when we start to put each other alone in this relationship. », explains Florentine d’Aulnois Wang. This feeling of isolation causes even more sadness only in the case of real celibacy since it has no reason to exist: physically there are two people in the relationship. “ If you're hungry and want to eat, it's painful. If you're hungry and there's a huge brioche in front of you but you can't eat it, that's even more annoying. How is it from the spring of attachmentfrom the loss of romantic connection at the beginning, it's really profound », relates the psychotherapist, which can be found on her site (www.lespaceducouple.com) or her Instagram account (@lespaceducouple).

What are the consequences when you feel like you're alone even as a couple?

Having the feeling of being alone in your relationship can create anger, resentment, disappointment… “ This creates the basis for two opposing behaviors which reinforce each other: one will start in a register of criticism, reproaches when the other goes retreat more and more into one's shell. This is called anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. », Explains the psychotherapist. This vicious circle accentuates tensions and isolation. The abandoned person may also want to do things for themselves, go out, see friends, work harder to escape his loneliness. Sometimes, this can also lead to embarking on new projects, to seeking comfort elsewhere, to breaking up. In any case, feeling alone together is a sign that the relationship has been damaged and deserves to be taken care of.

What are the signs of a relationship that isn't going to last?

It is common to be able to feel moments of loneliness within your relationship. If this feeling becomes unbearable, it is not not necessarily a sign of an imminent breakup but the sign that we must put in place actions to find ourselves. “ My recommendation is not to delay too much. A statistic says that couples wait on average 6 or 7 years to do something when it's not going well but that's iunthinkable to spend so long in pain », Regrets Florentine d’Aulnois Wang.

How to stop feeling alone as a couple? What to do when you're tired of loneliness?

To overcome this unpleasant moment, the simple fact of take some time together, to create moments of connection again by thinking back to what worked at the beginning of the relationship to reproduce it. It could be a meal for two, a weekend, a walk in nature… A moment where we will face each other without all the distractions of everyday life (work, home, children, etc.) to reconnect. It’s also an opportunity to talk about this feeling of loneliness, to say “I feel alone” despite being together. Be careful not to adopt a tone of reproach which would be unconstructive but to instead show vulnerability, what we feel. “ It's not necessarily serious to feel alone in your relationship and sometimes it starts again very simply. But it happens that the link is more damaged underneath and in this case, it is better to seek help from a professional », suggests Florentine d’Aulnois Wang. This external help will make it possible to facilitate exchanges, to return to delicate points and to find solutions to regain an accomplice relationship.

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