Things not to accept as a couple

Any relationship can have ups and downs, especially in love. While it is natural to have divergent points of view, to disagree on certain points, to oppose each other, there are, however, a certain number of things that should not be tolerated in a couple's relationship. They can in fact harm physical, psychological or emotional integrity of the person, be sources of unhappiness and shatter the couple.

What not to do when you're in a relationship? What breaks couples these days and can destroy a loving relationship?

Nobody is perfect. But being in a relationship also means compromise and make efforts so that the relationship works and no one suffers. “ As a couple, we allow ourselves to say or do things that we wouldn't allow ourselves to say or do with anyone else. We are more deferential to our professional entourage or to people we meet in shops than to the person with whom we spend our days and nights. We are going way beyond the limits. There is something wrong with the models and representations we have of the couple and which teach us that everything is permitted. We saw this in our own homes during childhood and it is unconsciously tolerated “, immediately alerts Florentine d'Aulnois Wang, psychotherapist, speaker and author of “The Keys to Love Intelligence” published by Larousse. Yet she assures him: “Mto set limits for someone is to give them the keys to having a long-term relationship together “. To achieve this objective, a certain number of points must therefore be avoided.

1- Physical violence

Deliberately pushing, hitting, hitting, slapping, hitting… All acts of physical violence are unwelcome in society and should be banned in a couple's relationship. Whatever the reason given, these actions have no reason to take place. This is abuse and it is necessary to move away from this toxic relationship.

2- Verbal violence: Insults, criticism… What are the things not to say as a couple?

In terms of humor, sometimes words can go beyond thought and unintentionally hurt the other person. But if the objective is clearly to sanction the behavior of the other, this is not acceptable. It is natural to be able to express criticism or reproach provided thatwatch over the formulation of his remarks. These must be constructive, caring and ideally objective to make the problem understood and help their other half to resolve it. But when it comes to denigrating or belittling, insulting, never letting the other express themselves, criticizing physical appearance or behavior, and these hurtful words are recurrent, it is psychological violence. “ I encourage couples to immediately react to this verbal violence so that it changes. This does not mean separating but working on a relational form, to find a different way of expressing this emotion of despair, helplessness etc. other than calling each other names like birds », suggests Florentine d’Aulnois Wang.

3- Excessive jealousy

A touch of jealousy proves the attachment to a person, but when it is particularly assertive, it can harm the relationship. This jealousy is synonymous with doubts about fidelity. It can lead to spying on the actions of one's spouse, monitoring their phone calls, their appointments, finding out about their friends, their schedule, etc. climate can quickly become oppressive. This jealousy demonstrates a lack of confidence in oneself and in others. This behavior can also give rise to outbursts, screams, prohibitions from meeting this or that person, going to a certain place, dressing in a certain way… “ Jealousy is destructive and causes deaths. We can talk about his jealousy but we don't have to accept jealous behavior. Even if we let the jealous person look into the phone, it will get worse and worse and will never stop. We think that it is working on trust to become more and more transparent but the limit is moving back all the time », adds the psychotherapist.

4- Control and manipulation

In a relationship, some people have the impression that their partner belongs to them. This possessiveness can lead them to want control their actions, to choose for them what seems best to them, whether professionally or personally. This does not simply involve an opinion, but an insistence until the spouse complies with their decision. This can concern the choice of haircut, the style of clothing, but also result in rejection from friends or family members if they do not suit their other half. He or she will then criticize them and manage to keep them away from the one they love.

5- Lying, deception

Lying about your intentions, your activities, your relationships taints trust. This can involve physical or emotional infidelity, lying about an important fact in one's life (hidden child, double life, addiction, debt, etc.). But trust is the basis of the relationship.

6- Non-consensual sexual relations

Consent is necessary before any sexual intercourse. If one member of the couple does not want to have sex or engage in a particular practice, their partner does not have to insist or force them. It is important that everyone respects your own limits and desires and those of the other to maintain a balanced relationship.

7- Lack of sharing of domestic tasks

This may seem trivial, but the distribution of household tasks is often a source of disagreement within couples. One often blames the other for not doing enough. But if one spouse systematically refuses to take part in these tasks (laundry, washing dishes, floors, dusting, taking out the trash, etc.), the other finds themselves taking on everything alone. This can nourish resentment, anger and be harmful to the longevity of the couple.

How to recognize toxic behavior in a relationship?

It's not easy to distinguish toxic behavior in a relationship. “ Behavior that hurts, offends, demeans can be considered toxic but it is important to discern if it is the behavior that is doing this to us or if there is something wrong with it. It's difficult to put a label on behavior. There's a way to be late which may be a sign of toxic behavior in a strategy of manipulation but the person can also be in good faith. It's very subtle », Warns the psychotherapist. Generally speaking, criticism, blame, humiliation and violence lead to toxic behavior and are visible in most couples according to the expert. “ It's micro-toxic but we don't even realize it anymore. That doesn't mean the partner is toxic. », nuance Florentine d'Aulnois Wang, which can be found on her website www.lespaceducouple.com and her Instagram account @lespaceducouple. To get through it, the psychotherapist advises bring awareness to understand what happens to oneself when one reduces or makes the other the object of what is wrong. “ There are microdoses and macrodoses. Couples who do the work of being sensitive, including microdosing, build a truly more fulfilling relationship and have more joy in being together “, she maintains.

How to define things to accept or not?

It's important to define what the couple's pact is, what is allowed or not in his relationship. This pact can be redefined over time and events. “ Very often, couples have a tacit impression of fidelity but have never made it explicit. Everyone has their own limits but you still need to know them to know when you exceed them. », Slips Florentine d’Aulnois Wang. This work makes it possible to fix the basic rules of private life, what is authorized or not and to move forward more peacefully together.

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