This is how some good and generous people damage their own self-esteem and relationships

This is how some good and generous people damage their own self-esteem and relationships

There is nothing wrong with being good. The problem is when indiscriminate generosity becomes an addiction. Then we can talk about «bad kindness“, when by wanting to please others and please them, by the need to “fit in”, you give up your own priorities and stop being yourself.

The adult beggar of love

I remember well a conversation I had in the psychologist Xavier Guix’s office. One of the topics I put on the table was my addiction to pleasing otherswhich included inviting everyone, including large dinners and trips.

One of the keys had been given to me, months before, by the psychologist Antoni Bolinches: «Whom As a child he lacked the love of his father or motheras an adult he will try to buy it by all means».

And the love of the addict to please is bought with money, with time and energy, until in the end you find yourself so empty that you stop knowing who you are.

This is precisely the theme of Xavier Guix’s latest book: The problem of being too good, a very widespread syndrome that has its origins in beliefs that have been instilled in us since childhood. Every child develops a desire to please because, from unconscious memory like hunter gatherers, the weakest need the protection of the group. And that means liking them.

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