In one of the opening scenes of The seduction (Reservoir Books, 2024), the latest novel by Sara Torres, two women who have just met, and who, according to the emails they have been exchanging for some time, are destined to become lovers, prove that the relationship that each one maintains with their respective phone (and, therefore, with the internet) is nothing like the other. A small gesture with this permanently connected device, such as the recording of an inconsequential moment, is enough to generate the first situation of tension between the protagonists, who at that moment also realize that they belong to different generations.
About virtual identity and romantic ties there are hundreds of topics and anecdotes that have been building an infinite conversation for decades. For example, practically everyone presumes to know when a more or less established couple is going through a crisis because it will be exactly then when, paradoxically, they will upload more photos together to their respective profiles on social networks. Or dozens of articles are written every week, in media of all kinds, collecting tricks to get more out of dating applications. However, although it is assumed that relationships often begin or end on the Internet and through certain acts and performances, not as much has been written about how technology influences everyday emotions and sneaks into the intimacy of individuals and couples. through actions that, as in Torres’ novel, for some users are already involuntary.
‘Microcheating’, ‘the ick’ and new rules
Kitty Winks is a British author who has written a book about the ick (something like “the arcade”), a phenomenon that is talked about a lot on TikTok and which consists of the unexpected discovery of something repellent about your partner or flirt: a personality trait, a habit or a present or past behavior. The novelty is that these disappointments are so deep that they produce an immediate and non-negotiable breakup. As Winks explains, for her the ick It happened when she realized that her then-boyfriend only followed accounts of women in swimsuits on his social networks, something that she found very unpleasant. “Our lives on-line They force us to negotiate new limits. For example: whether or not we follow the exes, we post certain photos… These are things that everyone has their own opinions and feelings about, with important implications for a relationship. Couples should be open and honest when discussing these limits,” explains the writer and journalist.
microcheating (or microinfidelities) is another of the terms that are most repeated in certain areas of the internet. Although it refers to a phenomenon that is not new, thanks to networks the concept of microinfidelity has gained dozens of new meanings. “The Internet used to be a way to escape from the real world, but now it seems that what we call the real world is what is used to take a break from the Internet,” continues Winks, who has also reflected on this idea in different publications. “If the internet is now the place where we feel most comfortable, it is because there we can build the personality we really want. So the boundaries between real and virtual life are blurred and, speaking of microinfidelities, the excuse that something only happens on the internet seems less and less valid. The result is that many couples break up after microinfidelities. on-line because, on the other hand, we still think that the behavior on-line It only concerns us. It’s not like that anymore: screenshots of private messages are published, we leave a lot of digital footprints… That’s why it’s so important to set boundaries honestly.”
Eloy Fernández Porta, thinker and author of The adventures of genitalia and normativity (Anagrama, 2021), an essay that explores the contemporary tendency to discuss and turn every social, romantic or sexual bond into a norm (or limit), confirms that the definition of infidelity is changing. “The digital world is conditioning this change. Now the most serious case of infidelity is not sexual contact (sin of deed) but the decision itself to open a profile in a network of contacts (sin of intention), and soon we will reach the sin of thought, easily deducible by tracing the route. , he predicts.
Fernández Porta believes that, in times of affective capitalism, the public exhibition of ties shapes identity, and that, even between lovers, “there is excessive confidence in the diplomatic qualities of verbal language.” In his essay he wrote: “The more relational the world becomes, the more regimental it appears to us.” A statement that he explains in the case of the Internet: “One of the things that online experience has taught us is that we are much more inclined to accept norms, rules and constraints than we are willing to recognize. Managing a profile is mainly a matter of protocols and commands. Those who do not have one have gone from being considered anchorites to being seen as immature who do not accept the rules of the game in the adult world.”
‘Doomscrolling’ or the lover facing infinity
But not all problems arise during the negotiation (and possible transgression) of the boundaries of one’s relationship. As many psychologists warn, addictive behaviors related to the Internet also destroy couples, and doomscrolling It is one of the most problematic. The term, which is difficult to translate, was widely used during the pandemic, when it referred to the habit, quickly compulsive, of spending hours consulting negative news. Whoever was in front of the computer or the phone entered a state close to trance during which worry about what they had just read pushed them to consult the following link or to continue scrolling down the wall. However, today it is used doomscrolling to also refer to those who consume TikTok videos or reels of Instagram during equally disabling binges.
Experts warn that this practice only briefly distracts from uncomfortable emotions, which will still be there when you turn off the device. That is why they insist that it is important to establish limits and schedules, since the content we could consume will always seem infinite. “I think it is one of the inevitable consequences of having bet everything on data traffic. It is the current version of the situation that Borges described in The Library of Babel: being in a place where potentially all the knowledge is, and not being able to access it,” adds Fernández Porta, who also comments that, in general, the digital sphere emphasizes one of the factors of the monogamous relationship: resistance to temptations. “The Internet is like one of those paintings of saints like Saint Anthony, surrounded by all the temptations of the world,” he warns.
Lana del Rey’s song videogames (2012) describes a domestic scene in which a lover watches contentedly as her partner spends hours playing video games. But coexistence is not always as peaceful as in this ballad, since, in many cases, the screens would be preventing other aspects of daily life from being attended to. As almost always, it’s about finding a balance. “This concern for the moments when we are not producing is also giving rise to what for me is the worst of the non-violent pathologies of love: emotional exploitation, the creation of burnouts due to excessive demands,” concludes Fernández Porta.
with your essay Amorous uses of the Spanish postwar (Anagrama, 1987), Carmen Martín Gaite set out to explore how a repressive doctrine (that of the first Franco regime, between the Civil War and the mid-fifties) and material conditions marked by scarcity that “left very deep consequences of shrinking and stinginess” conditioned the customs and “the way of facing life” of his generation. The author, who had already studied the love customs of the 18th century in Spain, understood that each moment corresponds to certain rituals and ways of approaching love (and emotions) and that these are closely related to both the political situation and the available technologies.
If love life was exceptional during the post-war period because it was full of restrictions, fears and injustices, for fortunately different reasons, today it is no less so. For years now, the Internet has been so integrated into our lives that distinctions such as the one that separated what is real from what is virtual have ceased to make sense. What we called virtual (a fragmented and constantly updating way of producing knowledge and feelings) has overflowed any container or device (it jumps from one to another) and always wins against digital disconnection strategies. Now it permeates everything, including our ways of thinking and, of course, of being in a relationship, and we are still seeing how it interferes with everyday life and modifies what sociologists have called “the romantic utopia” (the expectations and projections that each one does about their love life). So the internet has also changed how we live with our partners or build our relationships. Sometimes, because its use becomes excessive; in others, due to the insecurities and anxieties caused by this infinite highway along which desire circulates.