Sometimes it is the feeling that a strong bond unites you, at other times a shared history weighs, perhaps you consider that there is regret or positive changes… there can be many motivations and it can give a second chance for a couple after a breakup It is difficult, but not always unsuccessful. There are cases in which problems persist and the relationship does not work again, in others the couple becomes stronger and the relationship is more satisfactory. So, Is it worth a second part? An expert clarifies it for us and gives us the keys so that, if we do it, it really works.
How to give a couple a second chance, according to an expert coach
“We all make mistakes! In fact, that’s what life is all about: making mistakes, learning and starting over with more wisdom,” he says. Ainoa Mirror, personal and relationship coach from Aihop Coaching. “We are polishing our way of relating thanks to the experiences and learnings we extract.” Although it doesn’t always have to be with the same person, in fact, Relating to different couples will help us to have a broader outlook. However, if you want to give your partner a second chance and try again, this expert poses a series of questions to take into account.
The first thing you should be clear about before giving a partner a second chance is that it is painful for them to constantly punish and mistreat you. No matter how much you try to understand the hurtful or selfish acts of the other, trusting that person again is a source of anxiety and anguish. You have to be very clear what is the emotional capacity of the otherto know if you have to give it a new chance.
Assessing your partner’s ability to truly accept a mistake and have empathy for a person is also essential in determining whether you should stay in the relationship. If you are with an emotionally abusive partner can be detrimental to your mental healthyour well-being and your happiness.
Can a second chance for a couple be better than the first?
Relationships are complex and even our own personal growth, evolution and change. We are influenced by experiences, lessons learned, mistakes made, but… can a second chance for a couple be better than the first?
“Yes, it can be, although it is not always easy. It will be necessary to invest twice as much care, intention, affection and understanding on the part of both,” says Espejo. For this coach, the success of a second chance It will depend a lot on why it broke down. your union the first time (“it is not the same whether it is due to infidelity or due to lack of commitment or desire”).
According to Espejo, “we will have to detect where the wound in the relationship and try to heal it giving him what he needs.” “Each one will have to work on their frustration, anger, feeling of guilt… those ‘backpacks’ that won’t help you now. It is important to be flexible and understanding with the other and with yourself.”
“But if you do it right, you might even do better than the first time, because now you know each other better and you know what mistakes to avoid”, emphasizes the coach.
How do you know if it’s worth giving a partner a second chance?
That’s the question. If you are considering giving a partner a second chance, you are probably wondering if it will be worth the effort or if, on the contrary, you will make a mistake. Espejo asks us the questions that will help you decide if it is worth giving yourself a second chance or if it is better to leave everything behind:
- The reason for the breakup. “Maybe you’ve realized that the reason you broke up wasn’t that big of a deal. At the time you were very angry, but could it be that you were hasty?”
- Your pride clouded you. “If your partner was right about what he made you see but it hurt you so much to admit it that your reaction was to cut him off from your life… maybe it’s worth trying again.”
- Has changed. “After some time apart, you see that the person has evolved, he has polished those aspects of him that bothered you. Maybe he has matured, or you are in a moment of greater harmony, where you are both looking for the same thing.”
- Unique mistake. “If the mistake you made (even a big one) has been isolated and your partner shows real regret, you may want to reconsider whether it’s worth throwing it all away… Of course, it’s important for him to show you that these are not ‘tears of sadness’! crocodile’ and he’s not going to do it again!”
This will tell you that it is not worth giving your partner a second chance.
Issues related to communication, trust or even absolutely destructive patterns of behavior. There are certain ‘red flags’ that alert us that it is not worth opening the door to that relationship again. Mirror also shows us the seven signs that will tell you if you are making a mistake When considering a second chance:
- The ideal. “You realize that you were really in love with the idea of the perfect boyfriend that you had in mind, not the person in front of you. If you didn’t see him and accept him as he was and you were continually wanting to change him… turn it off and let’s go!
- No changes in sight. “If the things that really bothered you about him (or the relationship) didn’t seem like they were going to get better and the suffering of being like this wasn’t worth it. For example, that he was a sexist, disrespectful, manipulative, unfaithful, lying or selfish person. That he did not communicate with you or include you in his plans, etc. “You deserve the best, so to be suffering…!”
- You go crazy. “But of a madhouse, not just of passion. Because deep down you don’t understand each other, you always end up arguing and hurting each other. “It’s a waste of life!”
- Incompatible. “If now your future plans are not compatible or you are in different vital moments in which each one is looking for something… For now it will be better to let the matter go.”
- The umpteenth breakup. “If you spend your life cutting and coming back, it is clear that something is wrong. The breakup should be a unique measure, the worst consequence, a well-measured and mature decision. Not the result of a momentary fever. Because if not, you lose respect for the relationship and anything goes (because, no matter what you do, we always end up coming back). If you are in this dynamic, perhaps it is good to think about whether this is how you want to continue living, with that uncertainty and permanent emotional turmoil (also, be careful not to become addicted to strong emotions…).”
- Fear of being alone. “If you are considering returning just to not be alone, because you are afraid of not finding someone who loves you, because you feel sorry for your partner or because you feel manipulated or forced to try again… Better not!” You have doubts? In ELLE you will find the 25 signs to detect if you love him or are just afraid of being alone.
- Obstinacy “If your obsession is that things go the way you want and you can’t stand this emotional ‘failure’, you may be approaching the breakup wrong. Sometimes a withdrawal in time is a victory, and letting things flow is the wisest thing to do.”
How to give a couple a second chance: tips to make it work
Before you rush into the arms of your ex-partner, Espejo encourages you to ask yourself these questions to make sure of the step you are about to take:
- Your expectations. What do I want to happen? What will happen if what I want doesn’t happen?
- The signs. Is the other person willing to fight, to give everything on their part? What evidence do I have of this, what has she shown me with actions (not with words, since that is very easy)? Me too? Am I willing and am I showing it?
- Potential. Do I really see potential in this relationship? What did I like about being with this person? And why not? How did she make me feel? Being with him, did he bring out the best in me, did I like who I was next to him?
- Learning. Why would it be better now, what aspects have we improved? Have we matured individually? What have we learned?
- The wounds. Have I healed my wounds regarding the breakup? Do I hold a grudge? And he/she?
Last expert advice for a second chance for a couple
Have you decided to give your ex-partner a second chance? In case you have reached this conclusion after having gone through all these phases and after the emotional whirlwind they entail, do not miss this last piece of advice from our expert.
“If you have realized that you are made for each other and that it is worth trying, go ahead! “says the coach. “Of course, keep in mind that This ‘new relationship’ has different needs compared to the previous one. You have to be more careful (at least at first) and not rush.” Now you know which stones you have to avoid!
“Failure is the opportunity to start again, with more intelligence” (Anonymous)