“Whether you and your partner are talkative or quiet, the words you say to each other, as well as the expressions and gestures that accompany them, will define and determine your relationship,” John says at the beginning of ‘The Secret of Eight Dates’ Gottman, who after sweeping ‘Seven Golden Rules for Living as a Couple’, seems to have mastered that strange couple that makes up numbers and love. After all, he has studied for 40 years how to succeed in love based on mathematical data, so it seems that in emotions, there are more numbers than letters…
It ensures that when two people relate, it is possible to predict whether the relationship has a future. “We can offer you guided conversations to have with a potential partner and, based on your feelings about those conversations, tell you whether that relationship will be satisfactory or not; and if you are a committed person, we can explain to you what work you must do so that your love lasts,” she writes. “The key to having deep conversations is that you have a genuine interest in each other and ask open-ended questions, as well as respond to what the other answers without being afraid to raise new questions if new questions emerge from the answers. doubts. It is also essential that you be vulnerable,” she explains to ‘Elle’.
Although he is not a particularly easy author to locate, taking into account my unfortunate sentimental history, I get in touch with him through an arduous process of requests and emails that I reserve for my regrettable memories. The objective? Discover what issues you have to deal with as a couple and how to resolve them. That and why not, ask him if he has Cupid’s number, because he owes me a conversation…
He begins the talk by talking about dating fatigue. He believes that a large part of the problem lies in the fact that the majority of dating apps They use an erroneous algorithm, which is the one that consists of advocating for ‘match’. “We are not looking for our clone, but for someone who is different from us in an interesting way,” he clarifies. “The first thing to do on a first date is observe how he treats others, especially the waiters. Is he kind, respectful and polite or arrogant and hostile? Believe all the ‘red flags’ you see, because they are true. Keep in mind if he treats you with respect, what emotional range he has and if he is angry,” she tells ‘Elle’.
Five melons that every couple should open
The melon of change
The reason why he wrote the book is that even couples who have been together for a long time can learn things, because we all change over time, so being curious about each other is always important. “You accept growth and change in a relationship by allowing your partner to calmly explain unusual things to you and by facing the growth he or she is experiencing with genuine curiosity. When individuals grow, relationships grow. When individuals transform, relationships do too,” she writes.
In the quote proposed to address this topic, he recommends talking about how each one has grown and evolved, how it has changed in the relationship, what spirituality means to each one and how they manifest it.
The melon of fights
He points out that one of the great myths of marriage is that if you never fight, you have a good relationship. “Conflict is necessary, because we all inevitably hit bumps in our ability to love each other, and when we hit one of those bumps, we need to slow down and move forward gently,” warns Gottman, whose research has found that most Relational conflict is inevitable.
“Couples who have been married for decades have learned to see each other’s flaws and quirks as something more fun than frustrating,” he says. “The essential thing is to listen, make sure you understand what the other person is saying, explain how you feel and talk about what is happening without blaming anyone. Ask for what you need instead of focusing on what bothers you,” she recommends.
In the proposed quote he encourages us to talk about how the conflict is managed, in what sense each one is similar and different and how each party accommodates and accepts the existing differences.
The money melon
Another issue that he invites the reader to talk about is money, that common taboo in relationships. “It is very important to ask your partner what their history with money is and what their hopes and goals are so that you can share yours,” she says.
Research indicates that of all the problems that are fought over married couples, those linked to money are the ones that best predict a divorce. The fundamental thing, he indicates, is how a couple talks about economic discrepancies, and he also considers it essential not to identify the other as a spender or a saver, since he assures that we are all one of the two things at some point. “Whether you are married or not, the conflict over money is not about numbers, but about what money means.”
The appointment to resolve these issues would have to be based, he says, on talking about what value each person brings to the relationship, what their history is with work and money, and what it means for each person to have enough.
The melon of sex
“Couples who can comfortably talk about their sex lives They are the ones who have the best sex. Think about making a love map of your partner’s erotic world, that is, what turns them on or what they don’t like, and talk about what you can work on in your love life to make you want to have more sex,” says Gottman. “To avoid boredom, tell him what you would like to experience and explore and ask him to tell you what he thinks,” he says.
The family melon
“How you define what a family is in the future depends on you and your partner. The most important thing is that you talk about what a family means and what you both want yours to be like. If children enter our plans, it is best to enter the future having understood and analyzed how the love you share is going to expand,” she writes.
John Gottman’s study of newly married couples showed that of those who have a child on average four years old after getting married, 67% experience a dizzying decline in marital happiness during the first three years of the baby’s life. He points out that those who decide to have children have to decide to work to be involved during the birth and delivery of the baby and to maintain intimacy and connection.
In the proposed quote, he recommends talking about what it means for each person to form a family and how a family is defined in the relationship.
The happy ending
Finally, the key question… What is the key to a healthy and happy relationship? “Trust and commitment, having a solid and intimate friendship, handling conflict well, respecting and knowing how to fulfill each other’s dreams and having a common goal,” she answers.
They are not a few things, they are not… But although there are more open melons here than in the free breakfast buffet of a hotel, we will not throw in the towel… For now! Cupid, if you’re reading me: we need to talk.