With each new relationship, we share a common desire: for it to last as long as possible, even forever, as long as happiness is present. But what is the secret of couples who manage to last over time? The truth is that, in general, there is no magic formula, other than one that combines trust, love, respect, patience and the desire to make things work.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman conducted a study of more than 3,000 couples, some of whom were followed for 20 years. They came to this same conclusion: there is no exact rule that guarantees a healthy, long-lasting relationship overnight. But all the couples who managed to stay together for 20 years had things in common, including the ability to know how to make peace.
It is important to seek reconciliation with others after a conflict or argument. This doesn't necessarily require always coming home with flowers or chocolate, or systematically inviting your partner to a romantic dinner every time you make a mistake.
Rather, it is about continuing to treat others with love and respect, even after a conflict. Sometimes simple gestures like offering to share a meal are enough to show that we care about our partner, even when we are upset with them.
Typically, it's not even necessary to immediately forgive or address the issues that initially upset us. The main thing is to show the other person that, whatever the circumstances, our affection for them remains unchanged. Then secondly address possible problems and try to resolve them once tensions have dissipated.
The secret to making a relationship last
One of Gottman's research highlighted the importance of positive interactions within a relationship, even during times of conflict. These interactions can be as simple as a smile, holding hands, or showing understanding of the other person's feelings. Therefore, it is crucial to avoid negative interactions such as blaming or insulting our partner.
It's essential to put aside the common lines that emerge during couple arguments, as they are often alarming indicators of a relationship in trouble. Although it can be difficult to express our needs or concerns to our partner, it is crucial not to resort to innuendoes that they may not understand and not end up criticizing them.
These sentences often begin with accusations towards the other, assuming that he or she has repeatedly acted: “you never…” or “you always…”. By adopting this negative perspective towards the person we love, we end up building up resentment and resentment towards them. Of course, this approach does not lead to a positive result.
We must take care of our mutual communication, not only by learning to express our thoughts, but also by adapting the way we express them so as not to hurt the other. Rather than presenting ourselves as an adversary by saying “You don't do anything with me anymore”, we can phrase our need differently: “I would like to spend more time together, because I miss it.”
In any relationship, the ability to resolve conflict and establish a foundation of trust along with effective communication are the keys to success.