Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Marie-France Hirigoyen publishes a new essay, Separations with children (The Discovery), relating to the situation of children of separated parents. She recalls that one in two married couples divorces, she also recalls that in 2023, 63% of children will be born outside of marriage. These figures do not take into account the large number of unmarried couples who eventually separate after years of living together. It is a massive social phenomenon.
Collateral victims
There is a taboo that is emerging, that of the deleterious effects of these separations: the more the desire for a child is invested, the more it becomes an issue of conflict during separations, the more it becomes the object of disguised manipulation, and the more he suffers. It is a taboo that is being lifted, because it has long been accepted to minimize the suffering of children of separated parents, to avoid making the parents feel guilty, who also have to face their share of suffering and disappointment. But the reality is that these children, witnesses and objects of conflict, are doing badly; education professionals see it every day, but what can they say?
And what can the collateral victims of these separations say, those who think they are second rate, those who asked for nothing either and who from one day to the next see themselves separated from a daughter-in-law, a brother-in-law? , of an uncle or an aunt sometimes very loved, separated overnight from people excluded from family gatherings, or evenings with friends… Of these there is never any question, as if a couple were a molecule in the air, a vessel above ground, as if deep bonds had not been forged with all those who encountered, loved and welcomed them.
Avoid getting attached
The effects of these separations are silent but significant. It is also a separation for all the others, since someone has “left” the family to whom we had taken the trouble to welcome, to whom we had become attached; and who cares about you who have lost this connection? Usually no one, because you are not on the front line, and not even yourself who thinks you are not the most affected. But we have known for a long time, and in particular since the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s, to what extent separations, primarily those in childhood, are a factor of emotional insecurity, and harm the attachment. The more separation we experience from those close to us, the more we will avoid becoming attached.
This is an injustice for everyone, because ultimately everyone unlearns how to love.
It is a mechanism that is quite observable and simple to understand: if we want to avoid suffering once again from the loss of a bond, from the end of a relationship, the apparently simplest way is to avoid to attach again, and even to prevent oneself from loving. This is the underground violence produced by these separations of couples: around them, we want to avoid suffering again, we want to avoid investing energy and feeling “for nothing”. To protect ourselves, we disengage. It is violent, because new couples who form after one or the other has experienced a first separation, and who only seek to love and be loved, will also suffer this reality: that of being welcomed. by people who, we know, will unconsciously withhold their affection. This is an injustice for everyone, because ultimately everyone unlearns how to love.
A charity case
This is why the support given to couples who are doing well as well as to couples who are struggling is a matter of charity towards them, and towards everyone. Separations can put an end to a tumultuous life as a couple; they stop the conflict, they do not extinguish the crises and often announce others. May this taboo lifted on the effects of separations encourage us to be less individualistic, and reinforce our desire to educate in the reality of love: patience, fidelity, courage, self-sacrifice are learned from childhood and are the breeding ground for love lives that last.
