Falling in love is one of the best feelings there is, but butterflies in the stomach can sometimes carry certain dangers such as emotional dependence often very difficult to identify when you are wearing rose colored glasses. Although there are some classic signs that you can pay attention to.
What is emotional dependency
We’ve all probably fallen in love at some point and realized later how incredibly stupid we were. Especially as a teenager, the person we liked in school was everything to us and we probably would have done anything for her, after all we were madly in love with her. If he or she thought a music group was cool, we would only listen to their disco. If her favorite food was French fries, yours too. Little by little, we change our personality and let go of our desires. Yes, we were young and impressionable then, but what about now?
Even in adulthood we are not out of danger. Friends are neglected, professional dreams suddenly don’t seem so important anymore, and our own desires take a backseat.. Everything so that our couple feels the best possible. Everything to please her as much as possible and spend as much time with her as possible.
Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling in ‘Blue Valentine’ (2010)©Weinstein Company/Courtesy Everett Coll / Everett Collection /Cordon Press
Emotional dependence: 5 symptoms that should worry you
As the saying goes: you can’t see the forest for the trees. And not all relationships based on emotional dependency are the same, which makes them even more difficult to identify. Emotional dependence can sneak up on you without you realizing how quickly you have fallen into it. And because we often develop addict-like behaviors ourselves, we find it difficult to look at our relationship objectively and recognize it. To check if you are in a situation of emotional dependence, below we ask you some questions that you can use to scrutinize yourself and analyze your relationship.
1. Who makes the decisions in your relationship?
In an emotionally dependent relationship, we want our partner to feel as comfortable as possible. Whether it’s small things like choosing a movie, what dish you want to eat tonight or when you go to bed, but also the most important decisions. It’s nice when you make a decision together and you both do what you want. And tonight you might not mind eating something you don’t really want. But if you look closely and You realize that your preferences – even when they are small things – are not as important to you as those of your partner, you should change something as soon as possible. At the end of the day, all relationships are based on giving and receiving.
2. When was the last time you saw your friends?
Another point you should pay attention to is your social environment. Of course, at the beginning of a new relationship we tend to focus more on getting to know the other person and tend to leave our friends aside. This is completely normal to some extent, but you should keep an eye on it. So ask yourself: when was the last time you were alone with your friends? If you don’t remember very well, there is an extra question: Do you see your partner’s friends much more often than your own? Friendships are very important and should not play a secondary role in the couple. They are the ones who are there when everything falls apart (which is bound to happen, of course).
3. What do you do when your partner is away?
Be honest with yourself: what do you do when your partner is busy? Do you enjoy your free time and you dedicate yourself to what you like or you just try to pass the time until he or she comes back? This is a question that can reveal a lot about your relationship and your way of thinking. Try to answer it honestly to find out if you already depend on your partner and to what extent.
4. Does your partner put in the same effort as you?
How often do you make concessions? Don’t worry, this is not an indication of an emotionally dependent relationship. Everyone has to make certain sacrifices from time to time for the relationship to grow. But the small but subtle difference lies in the unilaterality or bilaterality of this agreement. Does the other person prioritize the relationship as much as you do? Do you dedicate the same love, work and effort to it? Of course, there are always phases that can be a little more stressful. If one of you has more problems in other aspects of life, you may have less energy to invest in the other. However, if it is a permanent situation, you should urgently talk to your partner, even if it is “not a problem” for you.
5. Do you place your value and trust in the other person?
It’s nice to receive compliments and validation makes you feel good, but what happens when this validation doesn’t materialize for a while? Do you actively look for it in your partner? If you constantly want to ask things like: “Do you really love me?”, “Do you find me attractive?” and “Don’t I bother you with my presence?”, then you should reflect on why you need this reassurance. If, on the other hand, your partner doesn’t make you feel like you’re enough, you should jump right into the conversation and talk about your love languages. You may not speak the same emotional language or your partner may only consciously express his affection when you have done something he likes. Therefore, it is important to observe your self-esteem and how it changes in the presence of your partner.
The risks of emotional dependence in a relationship
The level of danger of emotional dependence, in practice, depends on the couple. If you already manifest narcissistic tendencies, it is not a good match. People with narcissistic traits often manipulate others to get what they want. In this case, it would be your emotional submission. By repressing you, they make you feel inferior, which only fuels your dependence on them. Without him/her, you are worthless. In these cases, the addiction can become extremely dangerous and even lead to emotional or physical abuse, so stay alert and pay attention to the warning signs.
How to overcome emotional dependence: 3 steps to live again, prioritize yourself
The moment you realize that there has been a silent slippage of your needs towards those of the other person, it is time to take action. These three steps will help you work on emotional dependence.
1. Become aware of your desires and dreams
You’ve already spent enough time meeting your partner’s needs, now it’s your turn! We often lose sight of our own personality and therefore our desires when we are dependent. Therefore, carefully analyze what you really want from life, what dreams you want to fulfill and what other things define you. You can always take some time for it and write down your thoughts as a kind of ritual. This way, you are guaranteed to find yourself again and know what you want to focus on in the future.
Ask yourself: What do you prefer? what do you need? what would you like? And start with the simplest things: a movie, dinner, your next vacation or the bedside.
2. Question your mindset and beliefs
Beliefs are deeply rooted in us and determine how we judge things and think about ourselves. In an emotionally dependent relationship, we quickly internalize the idea that we are worthless without the other person. You may have learned this belief from your parents in childhood and now apply it to your current life. It is not easy to get to the bottom of yourself and it requires a lot of work. The best thing is to do a kind of reset and develop a better mindset with the help of healthy beliefs. This will help you free yourself in the long run.
Ask yourself: Do I do it for myself or for what others expect of me?
3. Build your social environment (again)
Our social environment says a lot about who we are. If you’ve realized that lately you don’t value your circle of friends enough, now is the time. Contact your friends and explain the situation to them. In the vast majority of cases, they will be understanding and your relationship can get back on track. However, there are probably also one or two people you hurt by turning away and who feel let down. Repairing your friendship may take a little more time, but it is worth it. If you no longer have anyone to turn to, it’s never too late to make new contacts. Only in this way will you ensure that your social life does not revolve solely around your partner.
Ask yourself: Who would you like to talk to more often? And do your part to make it effective.
This article was originally published in Glamor DE.
Translation and adaptation: Blanca de Almandoz
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