An expert speaks plainly
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Maintaining a relationship for years is much more difficult than it initially sounds. Two factors particularly often lead to failure, as our expert knows.
April 21, 2024 – 3:00 p.m
Do you know the five love languages? According to US relationship consultant Dr. Gary Chapman, all people say at least one of these and show their feelings and affection to their loved ones. Roughly broken down, these are:
- praise and recognition
- Willingness to help
- Gifts
- Togetherness
- tenderness
And what do you think are the most important ones? Among other things, a survey by the dating app Parship among around 1,000 German citizens showed some time ago that physical contact is the most “spoken” love language among couples in Germany.
Eric Hegmann is not surprised: The couples therapist in Hamburg with his own practice and co-founder of the Modern Love School, an eLearning platform with online courses about love, often has to deal with this in his everyday professional life. Because with couples it is often a matter of these love languages being neglected. In an interview with BILD der FRAU, he explains why they are absolutely necessary for a partnership – and how they can be (re)learned.
Dear Mr. Hegmann, what are these two factors that are essential for a relationship?
Photo: Robert Hilton
Eric Hegmann, couples counselor and parship coach from Hamburg
Eric Hegman: Many couples who come to me cite communication difficulties as the reason for their dissatisfaction. The reasons for this are often very different and range from the desire to have children to external relationships to a lack of sexuality.
When we look at the causes, we usually recognize that the connection between the partners has become insecure, the causes of which can be varied. It almost always turns out that the opportunities for connection are too rare – or they are not used.
Time for two is important! Couples who forego couple time are not doing themselves any favors in the medium and long term. Without time together and intimacy, most relationships fail.
What does this time together do to couples?
Relationships thrive on connections in everyday life: small ones like “look what I found here on YouTube” are just as important as the big ones through shared new experiences, vacation trips or date nights. Partners who feel securely connected are much less likely to experience a conflict escalating because they communicate with a sense of trust and assume good intentions. Couples in crisis are suspicious, expect further injuries and automatically distance themselves in order to avoid such injuries.
Couples should plan joint activities/vacations/time out from everyday life or date times. Spontaneity is also great for time together or intimacy, but is usually not possible in everyday life.
So couples really have to work with the appointment planner in order to really have time for each other?
Yes. Many couples find that they have to arrange to meet up for things to do and also for intimacy, otherwise there won’t be a babysitter or their job will severely limit the opportunities. The need seems to me to be underestimated. In practice, I often first collect all of the partners’ necessary appointments with couples – and then many people realize: “Shit, there aren’t enough hours in the day!” Then it’s time to prioritize. But that is not enough. After that, it has to be canceled in favor of time together. Couples with children sometimes underestimate the need to meet as lovers and not just as parents who have to function.
And then the activities have to be planned. I like to suggest the following exercise to my couples: tried and tested & new. For example, once a month each partner is tasked with organizing a new activity that neither of them have tried together before. This creates new memories and new connections. But once a month he or she also has to prepare a tried and tested activity – something that creates security, safety and trust. The partners take turns. And so that no one is forced to do something he or she doesn’t want to do, the two negotiate a certain number of vouchers with which they can exercise a veto. This choice makes the exercise relaxed and not compulsive.
And at what interval should the activities or date nights take place?
I think one activity together every week and one date night per month is a good number – but that’s so individual that I don’t want to annoy a couple with it.
What should the partners learn in the best case scenario?
After years of giving my couples a variety of date nights on different relationship topics as homework, I have now developed an online relationship workshop in my Modern Love School, which consists of 12 personalized date nights. The topics range from similarities and differences to the division of tasks and culture of debate to intimacy and future plans.
It’s about becoming aware of how important and essential time together and shared experiences are. Anyone who only works 24 hours a day or is only a parent overestimates their ability to have a happy and enjoyable relationship at the same time. Many couples experience in couples therapy that they have to prioritize their obligations, activities and interests differently. And that it is better for your partner to be at the top if alienation, distance and communication problems are not to result.
➔ You can find more information about our expert Eric Hegmann here and go to the Modern Love School here. There you will find even more suitable online courses on the topic discussed here.
Relationship is work: If you want to go through life happily with your partner, you can’t just sit back and do nothing about it. We have many more articles on the topic for you:
