WWhen it comes to the topic of arguments on vacation in the media, the same statistical information has been used for years, according to which two thirds of couples argue on vacation. Apparently the many advice texts with tips for avoiding disputes and mediation have not been able to make any significant difference. For Germans, arguing is as much a part of vacation as sun and beach. The question remains whether and how we can argue with one another in a cultured manner? Communication trainer and conflict researcher Andrea Sydow has a few tips.
WORLD: Which type of vacation has the least potential for conflict: adults-only hotels, wellness trips, cruises?
Andrea Sydow: All of the examples you gave are good per se. However, one must not forget that the conflict between a couple happens from the inside out. This means that the conflict already exists internally and is merely triggered by an external cause. And if there is a deficit in the relationship, the problems will come to light either way, whether in an adults-only hotel or on a cruise ship.
WORLD: In your opinion, does it help if argumentative couples consciously spend their vacation in countries that place increased value on polite manners in order to discipline themselves there? I’m thinking of Japan, for example, where composure is the top priority.
Sydow: When it comes to temperament and composure, you shouldn’t be deceived. A demeaning remark hits the core of a person not only when it is expressed in a spirited manner. Even a manipulatively nasty remark, uttered with all the rules of composure, affects every person to the core. Or rather: into the brain.
WORLD: You have to explain that.
Sydow: According to brain research, we quickly feel unsafe in the presence of other people as soon as they deviate from the norm and send certain warning signs. These can also be subtle, even an impatient look or a sigh is enough to trigger your own warning system – and immediately brick it.
The argument actually starts as soon as someone in the room no longer feels safe, and the brain actually reacts pretty quickly. By the way, someone who is quick to snap and responds curtly triggers the same reflexes in the other person.
WORLD: Is it even possible to have a civilized argument or is that a contradiction in terms?
Sydow: Arguing in a cultured manner is not a contradiction in terms, but it does require practice. In addition to the willingness to simply listen, it is also essential to see the other person in their differentness and to recognize that the other person is as they are and not as we would like them to be. This is the basic requirement for conflict management.
WORLD: If a relationship already has foundations of clay and rude words are the rule instead of the exception, should couples avoid a vacation or even go away?
Sydow: Even in the case of deep-seated conflicts, couples can achieve a change for the better with a structured conversation. A beautiful environment, warmth and good food can help couples create the space for such conversations. The more harmonious and warm the environment, the more open and cooperative people are.
WORLD: Let’s assume everything is fine – the hotel is nice, there are plenty of free loungers by the pool, vegan dishes at the buffet and the sun is shining. How do you start a conversation about conflicts so that the mood doesn’t immediately turn negative?
Sydow: Everyone surely knows the inner shudder when we are told: “You, we have to talk!” In order to prevent this unpleasant feeling and not to put the brain in a defensive position, the following formulation is much more effective: “You? Shall we talk about this and that tomorrow morning?”
So, on the one hand, I respected each other’s boundaries. This feels good and he is more willing to listen to me. On the other hand, I told him what I was about and he can prepare himself internally. The brain loves predictability.
WORLD: And then?
Sydow: Then you try to take turns speaking, for example using a simple chess clock. And – very important – really listen to your partner and think through their arguments. This is the only way to silence the inner voice that is already working on its own monologue of justification and accusations.
In general, this unspeakable German monologue – anyone who just repeats their own two cents doesn’t solve a conflict, but rather exacerbates it. If you really want to end an argument, you should avoid accusations, invalidations and blame in the conversation. Because they stand in the room like wild elephants and make it impossible to establish closeness and understanding.
WORLD: According to surveys, at least two thirds of German couples argue on vacation. Can this high contentiousness perhaps be explained by overly naïve holiday expectations, which are then reacted to even more violently if everything doesn’t go according to plan?
Sydow: An interesting theory, which I neither want to confirm nor refute due to a lack of sociological expertise. However, what I can say from my own practice is that Germans, even when they try to communicate well, quickly slip into bossiness, gloating and principledness.
After all, you have worked diligently on your arguments, thought everything through and formed an opinion on a topic. People are reluctant to move away from this bulwark, which is of course poison for an open and constructive discussion. Instead of gaining new insights, you get stuck in being right-minded. Good conflict management therefore starts at this point.
WORLD: What exactly does out mean?
Sydow: We were just talking about a couple starting a conversation and trying to take turns speaking using a real or imaginary chess clock. Now, after pressing the imaginary chess clock, the person who has just listened carefully could ask the question: “Would you like to say more about this?”
WORLD: This sentence, just like that?
Sydow: Yes, because the partner addressed in this way feels that they are important to the other person, they can become calmer inside and open up more.
WORLD: Do you have any more spells like this in store?
Sydow: Magic spell is the wrong word for this, but here you go: The sentence “What you’re saying makes sense” is perfect for putting the other person in a mild mood and taking the wind out of their sails.
WORLD: If I understand you correctly, then the right sentence at the right time is half the battle in resolving conflict?
Sydow: Something like that. In conflict research this is called structured conversation.
WORLD: Do you also have tips for resolving disputes that can be successfully applied unilaterally, i.e. without the other party’s cooperation?
Sydow: Yes, even without the other person’s cooperation, I can achieve a lot, for example by not only saying what bothers me, but also how I would like it to be said. So don’t just complain, but express specific wishes.
And never, under any circumstances, make accusations, invalidations or blame, because they prevent closeness and understanding for cognitive reasons. You remember: our brain switches into alarm mode in unpleasant situations, which in turn prevents differentiated thinking. Anyone who screams and waves their hands has already lost.
WORLD: Then the spirited southerners, like the opinionated Germans, have a bad hand when it comes to negotiating and arguing.
Sydow: I come from South America myself and have also lived in Spain. In the Mediterranean, people actually deal with their joy and displeasure more expressively. However, this cannot be generalized.
There are big differences within South America, for example. While people in Buenos Aires swear cheerfully and in a socially acceptable manner, the same words would not come from the lips of someone from Lima, even in a state of emergency. In Peru it is frowned upon to use rude words.
Andrea Sydow is a communication trainer and conflict researcher
Source: The Photographer Berlin
As an expert in conversation and conflict resolution, Andrea Sydow has been leading seminars on the topic of “conflicts and forgiveness” in Europe, the USA and Latin America since 2006. The communications trainer lives in Berlin, further information at sydow-coaching.com.