Time to take stock: was going on vacation with your children and those of your partner a good idea?

Image from ‘A summer in Ibiza’ (2018).Uppers.

The time of summer It is time to – to a greater or lesser degree or with more or less possibilities – share in family. Taking a walk, going to the beach, taking a dip in the pool, having an ice cream, traveling, spending the day at a water park or dining on a terrace with plenty of room for after-dinner time, are some of the plans that you may most want during the months. hottest of the year.

However, in any family it may happen that they are taken separate paths and start a new relationship. One of the questions that professionals will answer next is how the professionals will be able to deal with it. teenage children of both parties on vacation, and in many cases, failure to achieve good harmony and comply with certain rulescould mean a break or rethinking in the adult relationship.

All of this may resonate in your mind now that you’re back from those first shared vacations with the new family: you, your partner and your children. Maybe the experience has not gone as you thought and in the inevitable balance of return the balance is negative. It is quite common, but not inevitable. The cases of other couples and the guidelines of some psychologists can help understand the mechanism of this delicate coexistence so that the family machinery works perfectly next year.

United by football and rock

Miriam and Javier are a couple in their forties with teenage children from previous marriages. She has two and he has one. It is the first summer they have spent together as a family and they have decided to spend a couple of weeks together in an apartment that Miriam has near the beach in Alicante. The boys already knew each other from other occasions and have some friends and hobbies in common: they like football and rock and metal like AC/DC.

“The first times we met for lunch, dinner or a drink in a cafeteria they seemed unwilling to talk, none of them wanted to take the first step. My eldest daughter, who is now 17 years old, has had the hardest time with me having a new partner because she adores her father and was afraid that my partner would try to act as a father to her. But we have had several conversations with the three of them and they are understanding and they talk more and more to each other and they feel that they can get along without going further,” explains the woman.

Time and space to adapt to change

When children face separation from their parents, they are facing a significant loss and are forced to adapt to a change that will be more or less difficult, depending on how the parents manage to handle the process. Kathalina Urquizoclinical psychologist, master in psychoanalysis and emotional well-being and writer, asserts that there must be a lot of comprehension and dear so that the children can face the moment.

“It is not the same to introduce a new partner at a time when the child or adolescent is still going through a stage of painthan introducing it when that stage has already been transcended. When they see it in a more positive way “The new scenario is presented to them,” declares the positive discipline trainer for families.

This expert clarifies that an activity of this nature should not be organized as part of the first meetings between members of the two families. However, once the possibility arises, the decision of where to go must be made by the couple depending on the realities of all the children that make up the group.

“As a couple, with consensus, coherence and before living together, certain relationships must be established. basic rules and essential thought about routines of the two groups of children, because vacations are not the ideal time to change or work on learning new things. Furthermore, they must be explained for each father or mother to their children”says Urquizo.

According to the professional, starting a life as a couple with someone who has children from their previous marriage means having patience, Do not pressshow yourself as you are, create a bond sharing activities and providing the same attention your children as well as those of your partner.

give space

Juanma, 51 years old, a computer technician, considered it a good option to spend a few days on the beach with his partner and their children, something he understood would be based on rest and enjoyable activities such as dining out, taking a bath and sunbathing, going to the movies… “From the first moment my partner and I decided, we agreed on certain rules of coexistence that would affect us all equally, such as eating together in the same table, talking and leaving the cell phones parked.”

He also adds that, during the year of his relationship with his partner, he has heard more than once “you are not my father/mother”, but trust that by talking and giving some space a good end will be reached.

Do not force affections or try to supplant roles

For their part, Aurora and César, 50 and 47 years old, have a 17-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old son, respectively. The children knew each other from school, but They were not friends. It has been difficult for them to come to terms with the idea that their parents are a couple because their friends at school commented and that made them feel uncomfortable. “At first it was strange because our parents met almost two years ago when they picked us up after school and, as my mother says, it was a crush. I got angry at first because I saw César very nice to me and I thought it was a role, but, for now, I continue to see him attentive to my mother and me,” says the young woman.

“Spending the holidays together, making plans together brings us together and makes us understand each other more, without forcing anything, with less stress and letting the affections arise. I want to share things with Aurora’s daughter and for her to do it with my son, so that they understand that they can have a good time, but that those of us who arrive are not their parents, even if we worry about them,” says César.

“Planning family vacations is a real challengeand if it is a family trip with our partner’s teenage children, it can trigger a source of conflict“, dictates Susana Escolano Lorenzoeducational psychologist and primary school teacher.

As he argues, talking about children often means putting them before the partner, which is why getting along with the partner’s children is so important for the relationship to work. “Children may feel that their father or mother is being distanced from them or that they are loved supplantso to improve the relationship you have to make it clear to them that you will listen to them and support them as any good parent does, in addition to showing that you bet on the relationship without ever demanding anything from them”, points out this social educator, who also has a degree in coaching in child and adolescent emotional intelligence.

According to Escolano, we must avoid contradicting the mother or father, only to gain the trust of the children since it can erode the couple and send the wrong message to young people. “Yes you have to know give yourself the right placesupporting the couple and helping them in education and upbringing, always from a secondary but firm place”.

Escolano emphasizes that, with adolescent children, parents must:

Share moments and activities together

In summer the dynamics change and goes out of routine. As he explains Marta Panizo, director of Catharsis Psicología, as both children and young people are more present at home, adults may feel a higher level of stress, something that is expected. “Teenagers are people with feelings who often have a hard time internalizing what is happening to them. Parents have to spend as much time with them, guide them in everything that happens to them and accompany them from emotional maturity”.

This psychologist identifies that in the new situation there should be no major impositions and everything should flow in a gradual, real and adaptive way. “Many doses of positive discipline and of course, show respectful and empathic with the children.”

Panizo advises agreeing on family activities that please everyone, even create new traditionssuch as “one day a week, something (for example, sushi Friday) and encourage family unit”. “If something goes wrong or becomes complicated, if a good climate is not achieved between children or adults, we would have to choose to go to family therapy either individual and see if everything improves,” concludes the expert.